JERSEY CITY, NJ — After centuries of stagnation, mismanagement, and outdated torment models, Hell has officially been acquired by HellYea Inc.™, a for-profit, for-petty organization committed to giving damnation a digital glow-up.
Honestly, it was time, said a senior Hell spokesperson who declined to be named. Screaming pits and lava rivers just weren’t converting anymore.
The deal — rumored to involve a cursed briefcase, two sacrificial goats, and an expired RadioShack gift card — was finalized after six months of infernal red tape. HellYea Inc.™ now assumes full operational control of Hell’s plot registry, condemnation pipeline, and donation routing infrastructure.
The company’s founder, Dominick Stisi, stated:
“This isn’t just about selling plots in Hell. It’s about reclaiming power through petty rituals and turning rage into real-world impact. We’re here to make damnation do some damn good.”
New plot listings will be managed by N.I.N.A.™, Hell’s newly contracted real estate representative.
“Hi. I’m Nina. Welcome to Hell,” she said during a press conference, before accidentally tripping over a smoldering trident.
Despite speculation, Satan remains on the org chart in a non-executive ceremonial role. Sources say he has taken up scrapbooking.
Early offerings from the rebranded Hell include:
Custom digital deeds of eternal torment

Realm-specific plot tiers

Charitable integration through Damn Good Deeds™, supporting mental health relief

Customers may now reserve plots for exes, enemies, corporations, or themselves — no questions asked.